Since Meems is on vacation in the mountains and I couldn't quite fit in her suitcase as a stowaway, I'm writing an extra post this week in her absence. (Yes, you're invited to my pity party; your invitation is in the mail.)
Time for transparency. Not because I like it (not in myself anyway; other people can be transparent all they want and that's just fine with me). I'm going to be transparent because it's good for me. And if you know something I don't and have discovered that transparency is in fact NOT good for me, please don't tell me. The time for that has passed. Better to just leave me believing that I will be benefited by sharing what I've written today.
Okay, enough procrastination. The truth about me is this: I'm an undercover candle snuffer. Never heard of it? That's because we're a secretive bunch. We hide in shadows and wait for the most opportune moment to strike. And we always do our business in a way that leaves no trace of what has really taken place. At least that's the goal.
In other words, I struggle with jealousy. Not the kind that rages or the kind you can identify by the ginormous green-eyed monster in the room. I'm the kind that tries to belittle another person's success. I don't do large amounts of belittling because that would be too obvious and might bring attention to my problem. I simply tear down people and/or their accomplishments just enough to make myself appear better than I am...or at least better than So-and-so.
If there was a professional job for this sort of behavior, I think it would be called "candle snuffer." Since my life experience thus far more than qualifies me for a management position in this field (and since I don't want the general public to know about my career), I've given myself the added distinction of being an Undercover Candle Snuffer.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I'm slowly learning that snuffing out someone else's candle doesn't make mine glow any brighter.
Time for transparency. Not because I like it (not in myself anyway; other people can be transparent all they want and that's just fine with me). I'm going to be transparent because it's good for me. And if you know something I don't and have discovered that transparency is in fact NOT good for me, please don't tell me. The time for that has passed. Better to just leave me believing that I will be benefited by sharing what I've written today.
Okay, enough procrastination. The truth about me is this: I'm an undercover candle snuffer. Never heard of it? That's because we're a secretive bunch. We hide in shadows and wait for the most opportune moment to strike. And we always do our business in a way that leaves no trace of what has really taken place. At least that's the goal.
In other words, I struggle with jealousy. Not the kind that rages or the kind you can identify by the ginormous green-eyed monster in the room. I'm the kind that tries to belittle another person's success. I don't do large amounts of belittling because that would be too obvious and might bring attention to my problem. I simply tear down people and/or their accomplishments just enough to make myself appear better than I am...or at least better than So-and-so.
If there was a professional job for this sort of behavior, I think it would be called "candle snuffer." Since my life experience thus far more than qualifies me for a management position in this field (and since I don't want the general public to know about my career), I've given myself the added distinction of being an Undercover Candle Snuffer.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I'm slowly learning that snuffing out someone else's candle doesn't make mine glow any brighter.
15 comments:
wow, now that's transparency. you're not alone . . . i must confess i've succumbed to this green-eyed monster at times too. i hate this flesh of mine!
Ouch, that must have hurt! Is confession good for the soul? I mean, do you feel any better now that you have bared yours? What could have urged you to hang out your own dirty laundry? Was it really divinely inspired?
I am not telling you anything, I am just curious. Cause, for me, I take my weaknesses to Him alone, hoping no one else really has noticed ;-) He usually gives me solace, while correcting my ways by His Word. (It can be a tough fight of faith for me too).
But, I do hope you feel all better!
my personal opinion about airing dirty laundry is that it also helps one to become accountable. there are some sins that need exposing in order for help and healing to come. i admire you, mlm, for revealing the desire to want to change and more conform into the image of Jesus.
Recently I was challenged to be happy for people who get things when I don't. Sounds easy enough, but I fail. When I fail it isn't because I am not truly happy for them, but rather because I am jealous. I want what they have, which steals my joy. I am not only talking about cars, vacations, or possessions. It could be a job, an opportunity, a relationship, etc.
I have watched a lot of my friends get married and begin their families. Each year that passes by it becomes a little harder to become more excited when the white envelope with Miss an guest comes in the mail. It isn't even a question of what it is...Mr. and Mrs. ________ request your presence at the marriage of........
This might even be more undercover snuffing than you were getting at, but hey, you started this whole transparency thing in the first place. I just thought I would share a little of my own struggle.
knowing you, you would want to know of a grammar error, right?
well, this designer noticed the title of your post needs a little change: "Confessions of A Candle Snuffer."
you're welcome.
mlm, i have to confess, that was convicting. how did we get to be that way, anyway?
Moorelife: Good catch! Yes, GrammarQueen that I am, I do like to be informed of errors, usually in the private confines of an email though and not on-blog in front of the rest of the world! :o)But it was good for my ego. In my defense (you knew I had one, right?) I originally titled the post "Undercover Candle Snuffer" then later took out the "undercover" but left the "an." Alas.)
Jane: You are right on the money. In fact, I've done some of that snuffing myself. It was the "summer of love" and about 12 (not kidding) of my friends were getting married. I wasn't engaged. I was either the Miss or the Plus One at every event. And so my snuffing went something like this: "Yah, So-and-so's getting married. Isn't it exciting? They've only known each other for a few months. But I guess that works for some people." Candle Snuffed! Half my words were praise, half were subtle tear-downs in an attempt to make myself look and feel better. Ick. This transparency thing is starting to get painful! :o)
Doc Ford: Welcome to the blog! Thanks for your comment. I'm not sure how we got to be this way, but I'm discovering that I've been this way a LONG time. Didn't realize it until recently though. Guess it probably has something to do with sin. Just a hunch. :o)
Dear Jane - you don't need to be jealous. You are married to the greatest husband to be found, the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the everfaithful bridegroom of your dreams, and He adores you, just as you are. I mean, I understand your thoughts that you posted, but I just hoped to remind you that you His betrothed. His eye is always upon you and all His plans for you are good. Fall in love with Him all over again, and remind yourself that you are Mrs. Jesus Christ, highly favored and loved by Him.
"For your maker is your husband, the Lord of Hosts is His name" Isaiah 54:5a
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord - roll and repose (each care of) your load on Him; trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) also in Him, and He will bring it to pass ... Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him, and patiently stay yourself upon Him ..." Psalm 37:4,5,7a
Be encouraged, dear Jane, and keep looking up. The best is yet to come!
sorry to have publicly 'snuffed' you, mlm. i'll keep my snuffing to myself. what an ironic twist to this post.
hey- thanks for filling in for me while i am away.i have to admit the first thing i thought of when i saw your title was "yes, you are a candle snuffer". Just to clarify to the readers... mlm is notorious for blowing out the candles i light in my home. whenever i host a party or a holiday event invariably i find my previously lit candles blown out and mlm is always the culprit. i think you've explained that you are "looking out for my safety?"
i guess we have all been guilty of jealousy in various forms and we each express it differently. wouldn't it be great if we would each rejoice when others are rejoicing? i really hope someday i can honestly say THAT is my reaction EVERY time. thanks for the transparency, mlm. i admire your courage and your desire to uncover this sin with the light so it doesn't have any more power over you.
Just for the record...I am very content right now. I won't lie and say that is always the case. I do appreciate the encouragement and reminders. :)
jane, i really appreciated the candor of your comment. sometimes it is difficult and most challenging to watch (what seems like) 'everyone else' achieving the very thing you so long for in your own heart. you are handling your (temporarily) unfulfilled desires with honor and i respect you for that and i especially respect you for sharing it with the rest of us in such a vulnerable way.
there are some super-great things on the way for you!!!!
Meems is right. I'm the official candle snuffer--both metaphorically AND literally speaking! It started because I'd go to her house and discover that she had left home with candles burning (namely the one on the kitchen window sill and/or the one in the bathroom). Doesn't she know that's a major FIRE HAZARD!?! You think she'd have learned by now that if she leaves her candles burning for too long (meaning the flame is now two feet high and sending sparks into the air) that I am gonna snuff those babies out!
MLM said...
Moorelife: Glad to know I have some company! Now let's join forces and stop this madness! :o)
Howdy, Pilgrim. (Sorry, I couldn't resist!) Welcome to the blog. Thanks for your comments. I don't know that I *feel* any better for having aired my "dirty laundry," but I've been meditating on the Bible verses about Light and how light exposes darkness.
I suppose I wanted to drag my "darkness" into the light. Now it's no longer hiding--and having been exposed to the Light, it has lost its power over me. And that was the goal. Yippie!!! But don't worry...I too take my weaknesses to the Lord and hope no one else has noticed them. :o) (Uh, Lord, could You please fix this part of me...QUICKLY...before anyone else catches on??)
September 6, 2007 10:48 AM
Yup, I am guilty as charged!
It is funny what we will do in order to puff ourselves up.
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